SINKHOLE
SINKHOLE
EP0005 – The Future with You in It
You’re all extremely kind, but I’m afraid I can’t accept your generosity. Please direct it towards someone who can actually benefit from it.
Written and produced by Kale Brown. Artwork by Kale Brown.
Starring S.J. Ryker (@LookWhosFhtagn) as NEVROS Advertisement Narrator, and Merry N. (@muddyevilist), [REDACTED], and Jesse Hall (@wastedarkcell) as Stock Ad Shills.
Starring Alice Kyra (@magicalgirlkyra) as the Influencer.
Starring Rowan van Grinsven (@shaywilds) as Alan’s Neighbour.
All music and sound effects used are available under a CC0 license. Music was ‘Sphere’ by Andrew Kn, ‘Corporate Company Introduction Video’ by Bertsz, ‘Tunnel Vision’ by Kevin Brown of AudioWay, and ‘Dayum’ by loveless1017. [LOUD EERIE NOISE] was ‘Sci-fi Ambient Drone’ by Niedec.
Visit us on Twitter at @sinkholepodcast or visit the website at sinkholepodcast.com.
INTRO: [Someone inhales deeply; their inhale has a distant, echoing quality to it. A strange, rattling sound grows in volume and speed before fading into eerie, warbling music. There’s a strange crackling sound. The voice whispers “Sinkhole.” The pitch and speed of the music drop, fading into the next track.]
[A low, slow hum fills the background. The melody is subtle and largely ambient.]
Okay, I’ve been… putting off addressing this for a while, but I feel like I have to say something before this whole fundraising initiative gets completely out of hand.
You’re all very, very kind. Thank you. I’m extremely touched by your thoughtfulness and generosity.
I am and was aware that there is a specialized procedure which allows people with superficial asterikoiloptosis- or, if you prefer, superficial sinkage- to become NEV-capable.
I, unfortunately, am not eligible.
I do not have superficial sinkage. I have deep sink. If you ran a medical probe up my spinal column to get a good look at the inside of my skull, it would find nothing but cold, glittering void.
[inhales]
I was in the Hole.
Normally I keep that fact pretty close to the chest because it narrows down my possible identity to one of just a hundred and twelve people- assuming nobody’s died.
Not exactly ideal for anonymity.
I don’t think I can really communicate how moved I was- and am- by the kindness I’ve seen here over the last couple of weeks. It’s a testament to how good-hearted the people of this community are that you were all so willing to pitch in what you could to make sure I could be a part of something I myself said I wish I could be.
You’re good eggs.
But I can’t accept your generosity. I can’t benefit from what’s being offered here.
I am truly and completely and deeply sunk.
And unless something truly miraculous happens, the only way anybody’s getting at my brain is if I crack open my skull myself.
Now, uh, user nevverhappy mentioned they do suffer from superficial sinkage and, due to financial hardship and the limited employment opportunities often available to people who suffer from cranial sinkage, have never been able to afford the sink-adapted surgery… so if you could redirect your efforts their way, that would make me really happy.
I’d really like that.
[shaky breath]
You are all… [stops, emotional]
You are all so incredibly kind.
Sorry, give me a minute.
Oh god…
Um- look, this seems like as good a time as any to post what I pulled from that A10. I’ve been kind of lazy about it- I got distracted by this whole project with the tapes.
There’s some good stuff in here- an old pre-Fling NEVROS ad and a bunch of other stuff about the NEV… downloaded videos, interviews… memes. [chuckles] Whoever this belonged to, they were super into it, it looks like.
It’s more modern than most of what I’m used to dealing with, but, um… hey, it’ll be a blast from the past for some of you, I guess.
A couple of them are pretty funny or- or interesting. I’ll cut in the audio for two or three here and attach everything else in the post data.
[NEVROS AD, PRE-FLING]
The future of communication.
Stock Ad Shill 1: It’s unbelievable-
Stock Ad Shill 2: Unbelievable!
Stock Ad Shill 3: Completely unbelievable!
Stock Ad Shill 1: My spouse and I, our relationship- it’ll never be the same.
Stock Ad Shill 2: Everything is changing for us.
Stock Ad Shill 3: Everything’s different. It’s all different now.
The future of entertainment.
Stock Ad Shill 2: It was like… being there!
Stock Ad Shill 3: I could feel everything she felt-
Stock Ad Shill 1: I could feel how she felt, and it was… amazing.
Stock Ad Shill 2: It was amazing.
Stock Ad Shill 3: Amazing, just amazing.
Stock Ad Shill 1: What could I call it except… amazing?
The future of the workplace.
Stock Ad Shill 3: I used to have a two-hour commute to work-
Stock Ad Shill 1: Driving to the office took so much time out of my day-
Stock Ad Shill 2: I felt like I was always going back and forth, back and forth-
Stock Ad Shill 3: With NEVROS, I feel like I’m there.
Stock Ad Shill 1: It’s like I’m really there!
Stock Ad Shill 2: It’s better than being there! I don’t think I could ever go back to commuting.
NEVROS Technologies: the future with you in it.
[AD ENDS]
[INFLUENCER VIDEO]
[chillhop beat playing]
Influencer: Hey babberz!
So I know I’ve been away for a while… but you won’t believe what I’ve been up to!
We’ve all seen the ads for [dramatically] NEVROS Technologies! And I think a lot of us were like, “uhh, what?” because honestly, been down this road before, okay, we’ve seen our fair share of shilling and fakes, so… when NEVROS reached out to me to ask if I’d be interested in being one of their [audible air quotes] “Experiential Content Creators,” I was like “oh my god, what does that mean? They’re definitely going to, like, drug me and sell my organs or something.”
But… I mean… before my accident, I was studying medicine and… well, I read the literature and… I was wowed. Like, wow, this is real deal stuff.
Real deal stuff.
So, I decided to take the plunge.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am such a nerd for neuroprosthetics, and I cannot tell you how cool this stuff is- like, I literally can’t!
Legally, I’m not allowed to yet.
But next week- next week, I promise!
What I can tell you is that the NEV procedure is… life-changing. It’s completely safe, they take care of everything for you, and… it’s impossible to even explain to you how life-changing it is.
I know I keep using that word, but… there isn’t another word for it.
It’s life-changing.
You have to try it.
I know it’s not cheap, and there aren’t a lot of places you can get it yet, but the more people who do it, the more places you’ll be able to go and the more affordable it’ll get.
So if you can get it… absolutely get it. You won’t regret it, I promise.
And then hopefully our babberz on a budget can pull through too! Or maybe they’ll make it part of accessibility standards.
A girl can dream, right?
Stay tuned for next week, and get excited! I know I am!
Muah! Bye, babberz!
[chillhop beat fades out]
[INFLUENCER VIDEO ENDS]
[ALAN’S NEIGHBOUR MEME VIDEOS]
[sounds of someone walking outdoors]
Alan’s Neighbour: “Wire up your brain,” they said, “join the neighbourhood association,” they said!
Okay, why not? It’ll help me make friends, right?
I mean, how else am I going to make friends with my next-door neighbour? I can’t only talk to him about his model trainset. He has to have other interests.
It can’t all be trains.
[sudden shift to indoor room tone]
Update: it’s all trains.
[quiet train sound]
[lo-fi outro music]
[sounds of someone walking indoors on a hard floor]
Week two in the neighbourhood association: I don’t know what we talked about today because Alan wouldn’t stop thinking about trains!
[imitating a serious person] Alan, how do you feel about the-
[sudden loud train sound]
[lo-fi outro music]
[sounds of someone walking outdoors]
Today I went to the corner store!
Alan was there!
I’m like, “hello, Alan,” and I’m just thinking about how he’s thinking about trains.
He looks at me and he’s like, “hello?” and as I’m checking out, I just quietly hear,
“Choo choo…”
[quiet train sound]
Anyway, I’m looking at moving again.
[lo-fi outro music]
[ALAN’S NEIGHBOUR MEME VIDEOS END]
Yeah, so that’s… uh…
[speaker shifts in their chair, coming closer to the mic]
A tasting selection of what was on the A10.
I hope you enjoy these.
Um, stay safe and try not to fall into any holes.
[beat]
[subdued] I don’t recommend it.
[The ambient music fades into the next track.]
[An eerie, warbling music akin to the opening music plays, rising in volume and then slowing and quieting.]